Home for the Holidays: Best Gift Understanding
How to Prepare, What to Expect and Tips for Coping If Things Go Bad
Nov 26, 2008
It is commonly understood that no matter one’s age, coming home for a family visit often brings its own treachery. As wonderful, nurturing and sustaining as family can be, it can be the one place that all the old demons come to life. This is especially true during the holidays. In archetypal psychology, this is a sign of the Trickster at work.
Trickster Confusions
Holiday gatherings always carry the potential for these trickster confusions brought on by transference and countertransference. Most simply, this means carrying one’s past into the present. Current relationships among siblings, between siblings and parents, and of course between spouses are all stained by those family relationships of the past.
When the Trickster is a play, not only does one see one's spouse through the lens of the parent of the same gender, one sees ones siblings as one saw them twenty, thirty, forty years ago. Indeed, the family myths of who people are, despite all evidence to the contrary, can be activated at any gathering around the fireplace for some yuletide nog or at the family dinner table.
Family Myths: The Good and the Bad
And these myths of who we are do not die easily. One can suffer the family myth of who one is long past childhood. For instance, take this family sample of three siblings --
- One sibling is considered stingy and ungiving even though he gives his fair share and more as the years go by.
- Another sibling is considered a teller of tall tales or worse, a liar, even though this childhood habit of fabricating the truth for attention has long since been grown out of.
- Another sibling is considered not too bright, capable of dumb decisions, still irresponsible, even though as an adult this sibling returned to college, got a degree and worked a steady job since graduation.
No matter the level of personal development and growth since these “grown-up children” lived under the same roof, these are the stories still lodged in the family mythology. It takes growth and maturity to see one another past the family narrative.
Old Comforts; Odd Comforts
So why does a family stick with the same story long after the characters in the drama have changed? The answer has to do with the ease and habit of clinging to the past. Here at least everyone knows their “role”, distasteful and outgrown as it is. Herein lies the promise of that old stability and comfort, faded and outworn as that comfort has become.
Some Ways of Coping
Here are some ways that can help avoid the pitfalls of tranference and help maintain sanity and smoothness during the visit.
- Be respectful, kind, but also stay honest without being hurtful or provocative.
- Avoid using comebacks or counter attack in any way. Don’t take the bait.
- Put away the wine. If you know certain topics can get heated and controversial it’s best to refrain from overly indulgent drinking.
- Take frequent but well chosen time-outs, but avoid using precious family time for long bouts of prayer or meditation.
- Take long walks and find a few moments to work out
- For group time, bring out the family games or create new ones. Cards and board games such as Balderdash and Tripoli are among favorites: great for lively interactions while avoiding controversies.
- Staying in touch throughout the year but especially on holidays and birthdays helps decrease pressure and ward off anxieties over the once-a-year type visits.
Not Taking the Bait
Finally, when the collision or conflicts do occur, meet these with anchors. Indulging the drama is definitely verboten. Anchors are words that help us keep calm such as repeating to oneself something along the lines of:
“May I be free of fear and may this person be free of the need to intimidate.”
Dropping Anchor: Ships in a Storm
Repeating this or some similar phrase silently to oneself can soothe and allow the moment to pass over without anyone “taking the bait.”
Vigilance to possible flare-ups, practicing compassion, patience and staying accountable for one’s own reality goes a long way towards keeping the family gathering calm and satisfying for all.
Source
Many of the basic tenets of this article come from David Richo's latest profound and helpful book When the Past is Present, published by Shamabhala (2008). See my upcoming review at Suite101.
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