Why We Get Crushes and How They're Good for Us
Romantic Projection: Another Name for "Falling in Love"
Nov 24, 2008 Megge Hill Fitz-Randolph
A crush is a bedazzled and delicious projection stirred by the archetype eros. Once the cupid’s arrow flies there is nothing to be done about it. Nothing that is but to sit back, enjoy and, most importantly, to observe.
Observe who it is that has one awake at night, who one daydreams about at odd moments throughout the day. Who is it that fills the inner vision: whether as quietly as a spring rain or as impassioned as a Rudolph Valentino matinee. What is important here is that the hook that is providing one with these intense hours is none other than the hidden, as yet unrealized, qualities in oneself.
Learning to Pay Attention
Just as one learns to pay attention to whom or what the shadow projections attaches, one learns to pay attention to those qualities of our best "crush." Is it the artist in him or her? the intelligence? the free spirit? the religious fervor? the discipline? the passionate exuberance? the analytic mind? the powerful organizer? Whatever one perceives to be the qualities possessed the other, it behooves one to address these in oneself. For indeed, no matter in what tattered or as yet unrealized state, these qualities reside in oneself as well.
The projection, after all, is not the person; it is the picture one imposes or projects on him or her. Doesn’t everyone want to hear or one day speak the words such as Catherine says of Heathcliff of Wuthering Heights fame?
… I love him, not because he's handsome…but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
Shining in Oneself: Anima and Animus
Indeed, whatever it is one longs for in another can be seen shining in oneself. There is no separation between oneself and one's illusion. This is the nature of projection.
Jung spoke famously of the anima and animus that exists in every man and woman: the anima being the feminine aspect of a man’s psyche, the animus being the masculine aspect of the woman’s. And although these concepts seem dated, they hold the secret as to the nature of the awesome power of these projections. Within these opposites reside the huge archetypal energies of attraction. One seeks the other side of the coin; one's urgent mission is to bring these two sides together and become whole.
Archetype of Love: What Remains Hidden
For here at the center lies the archetype of love. Here lies the potency of the romantic crush mixed with the numinous and heightened with vivacity and sweetness. The ego uses these archetypal energies to draw the connection between the external world of people and things to the inner world of the collective unconscious. Most importantly, the reason for the projection in the first place, was to externalize some part of oneself that would otherwise remain hidden.
Libido is Life Energy: Awakened Eros
One welcomes a crush not to drive oneself mad, but to become activated and feel alive. Such is the gift of eros. Libido, which definitely is not just sexual energy, is the basis for the great archetypal energies that ignite the psyche and soul. The crush enlivens those parts of oneself closest to the heart. The deep heart’s core, as the great poet Yeats wrote, is always waiting there.
Ways to Activate Eros:
- reading romance novels
- watching romantic movies
- listening to romantic ballads
- going to the opera or ballet
- reading love poetry
- writing love letters
Current and All Time Favorite 'Activators':
- Cher and Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck
- Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail
- Anne Hathaway and James McAvoy in Becoming Jane
- Frederick Chopin and George Sand in Impromtu
- End of the Affair with Lana Turner and Cary Grant
Great Love Affairs from Literature, Film, History and Legend
- Romeo and Juliet
- Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy
- Tristan and Isolde
- Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester
- Heathcliff and Catherine
- Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler
- Orpheus and Eurydice
- Lancelot and Guinevere
- Abelard and Heloise
- Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning
References: W. B. Yeats: Lake Isle of Innisfree. Oxford Book of Poetry. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
For more on romantic attraction, go to my article Why Someone is Attracted to Another Person.
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